For the past week I have suffered this unbearable guilt that I may have put George W. Bush in the White House. I thought back to the time I first met with Ralph Nader and, secretly, we hatched The Plot.
Our goal? To make this country suffer, suffer, SUFFER under George W. Bush! All we needed to do was convince just 300 people, preferably in a "swing state," to vote for Nader instead of Gore. Simple! Genius! That would put Bush in the White House and THAT would lead to mass revolution and THAT would lead to ... well, something. This stuff ALWAYS leads to something!
I told Ralph, though, that "running" and hanging out with "celebrities" would NOT be enough. So I was dispatched to secretly meet with Al Gore. Using my incredible powers of persuasion, I was the one who persuaded Gore to ignore not only his traditional Democratic base, but also his home state of Tennessee in the campaign. He agreed! I then got him to prevent Clinton from campaigning in Arkansas. He went along with this also -- and together those two states cost him 16 critical electoral votes!
So you can see why I have been convinced for the past week that it was me, all me, the one who is responsible for costing Gore the election.
That is, until I saw the official results from Florida, as confirmed by Secretary of State/Bush Campaign Chair Katherine Harris:
It was MONICA MOOREHEAD!
That's right. Monica Moorehead, Presidential Candidate of the Worker's World Party.
Ms. Moorehead received 1,805 votes in Florida, 1,500 more votes than what now separates Bush and Gore.
Had Monica not been on the ballot, it is safe to assume that at least 300 of her supporters would have voted for Al Gore. Exit polls confirm this fact. Al Gore was the second choice of over half of the Moorehead voters!
A vote for Monica was a vote for Bush.
The Worker's World Party is a socialist political organization that has been around for decades. They are the ones who always have the best-looking banners at any political demonstration (black italic lettering on a yellow-orange background). They are in favor of unions, a fair distribution of the wealth, and are pro-choice, pro-environment and pro-gay. You can see why, if they had nowhere else to go, Moorehead voters would have held their nose and voted for Gore.
And we wouldn't be in the mess we're in right now!
I hold Monica Moorehead personally responsible for all the havoc a Bush presidency will wreak. If women are forced to return to back- alley coathanger abortions, it will be because of Monica. If the Alaskan wilderness is ravaged by corporate greed, it will be because of Monica. If we are unable to repel an attack of Martians, it will be because of Monica.
What kind of weird, sick ego filled this candidate, compelling her to run and do so much damage? Oh, I get it -- "principle!" She was running on "principle," not to actually WIN. Hey, get a clue, Monica -- this is the REAL world the rest of us live in. While you decided to have your ego party and travel the country with celebrities, the rest of us were trying to do something practical. Was it simply your greed to get matching federal funds in the next election? Was that what your candidacy was all about? Money for YOU? I read in Salon.com you live in a Park Ave. penthouse! And they are NEVER wrong!! So while you get rich in the next four years, selling your pamphlets on "The Dialectic of Political Reform in Socialist Romania 1951-1984," the rest of us will just have to suffer!
Well, I for one, will not let this drop. I encourage everyone to shun Monica Moorehead. If she enters a room, just leave. If she speaks to you, tell her that she is a "non-person" and then leave. When her name comes up in conversation, change the subject -- and then leave. If she comes on TV, switch the channel. If they put her name on a candy bar, don't eat it. If you find yourself in the same restaurant as her, don't order what she has ordered. And don't ever go back to that restaurant because you may end up drinking from the same glass she drank from!
Let us all make the name "Monica Moorehead" synonymous with EVIL. Do NOT return her calls. Delete her name from your Palm Pilot.
I have read some of Monica's latest comments in the past couple days as she has attacked the vote fraud in Florida. Hey, Monica -- you're a little late, aren't you? Where were you when you were helping Bush get elected? Why didn't you drop out of the race when you saw how close it was? All our lives we have respected you, and now you just went and blew it! Why should we listen to you from this point on? You say we should "take to the streets of West Palm Beach!" How the hell do you expect us to do that when we have to spend time writing you these angry letters?
I am announcing the formation of the "Blame Monica Movement." Heretofore, whenever anyone wants to know WHO is responsible for putting Bush in the White House, you just tell them, "IT WAS MONICA!"
P.S. This Saturday (tomorrow), November 18, may be the last chance to take to the streets to stop "The Bush Ballot Theft." Rallies and demonstrations are being held in cities all over the country at 1:00 PM. Click here to find out where.
Let's get thousands out there and make our voices heard. No matter which candidate each of us voted for, we must insist that the person with the most votes gets the job.
Remember -- if this kind of thievery can take place amongst the two corporate-controlled parties, just imagine what they would do to us if we ever got close with a viable third party! If they get away with this, they will be able to get away with anything. Take a stand on Saturday.
P.P.S. Tonight (Friday) on "The Awful Truth" (Bravo, 8pm and 11pm ET), we send our Congressional Pimp to walk the halls of Congress. Don't miss this lesson in democracy at work! Also, we present our salute to Male Apartheid!